I have had a couple interesting encounters over the last couple of weeks that I think may be blog worthy. Besides I seem to have lost my muse and either have no desire to write or just nothing to write about. So here it goes…
Oh before I forget, Heather Locklear saw
Secret Agent Man the other day with her own eyes!
ENCOUNTER #1
A couple of weeks ago, I ran down to my local shopping mall, Southdale, to peruse the summer sale racks and ended up being down there until the stores closed at 9pm. As I was going down the escalator to get to my car I noticed one of the mall cops at the bottom of the escalator.
Before I continue let me give you some background on the fine men enlisted to protect the shoppers at Southdale Mall; the writer/s of Paul Blart Mall Cop must have done all their research for the movie at my lovely suburban mall. There is one guy that wears his belted, black polyester pants just a smidge south of his nipples with white sports socks to finish off the ensemble. He always has on his policeman type hat and constantly checks his big, black CASIO watch for the correct military time to record the Mall going-ons.
When I work at Gap Kids and leave the building after the Mall closes he guards the exit door like a pit-bull. Then there is the guy that dons his shiny black helmet and zips through the Mall on a Segway. He’s a man on a mission, stoic as he buzzes between the tables at Caribou and around the blue haired granny on her Hoveround.
I digress. As I said on this particular Friday evening I was on my way to my car when I noticed one the Mall Guards pacing back and forth. As I neared the end of the escalator ride I thought to myself “what is he doing?”. I finally decided that maybe he was waiting for me to get off the escalator so that he could turn it off. Keep in mind that it was 9:02pm. (I know because I checked my watch after our encounter.) As my foot left the escalator and touched down on solid ground, he steps in front of me and in an attempt at an authoritative voice (just like they taught him in training-“look them in the eye, lower your voice and enunciate”) he says, “Uh mam, the Mall closes at 9pm”. Huh, is this Rent-a-Cop talking to me? Doesn’t he have some check point bar codes to scan? “No shit Sherlock” is what I really wanted to say but since my mama taught me to behave better I simply said “Uh, I’m going to my car!” with all the sarcasm and lippyness and sista head snap that I could muster. Seriously?
ENCOUNTER #2I’m still trying to figure out what about me screams, “If you are collecting social security please come holla!”
Could we ever forget Vinny the Italian Stallion? I snagged yet another grandpa this past weekend. My mom and I went out to get a drink after work on Friday. As we’re sitting on the patio and I’m trying to make eye contact with this honey with a cute booty, an older gentleman walks up to my mother. It turns out that they worked together some 25 years before. As my mom re-introduces us, he says “I remember you when you were little. You’ve grown up.” and kisses my cheek. He and mom talk for a little while and then he walks off to mingle. A while later he comes back to the table and he and my mother make small talk. Turns out he sells cars, so when he learns I’m thinking about buying a car in the fall he gives me his card. Again he leaves the table. And again he comes back to the table. When my mother gets up from the table, he starts asking me questions…now my slow behind was just offering up all kinds of information to this senior gentleman…
"Where do you live?”
“South Minneapolis.”
“Who do you live with?”
“My son.”
“Does he work?”
“Yes.”
“Where?”
“Arc Value Village.”
“Oh they close too early.”
“No they don’t. They close at 9pm.”
“Ok then. That gives us some time then.”
SCREEECCCHHHH!!! What a minute. Huh? What is he talking about?
OOOOHHHH Hell No!!!!!! That’s when I really looked at him. He was leaning into the table and looking through my dress, laying down his rap. He had on a Fedora, a suit, mirrored shade, a toothpick between his lips, manicured nails and slicked back hair. I'm sure that back in the day he was quite the catch. But right about now all I kept thinking was maybe I should give him my grandma's number.
“Call me. My cell number is on my card.” I swear he licked his lips.
I sat there speechless.
“I’m serious. Why do you think I kept coming back? That pretty smile kept calling me back.”
HUH? Jacke close your mouth. Speak. Speak.
“Call me.”
“Uh we’ll see.” was all I could manage to utter.
Maybe I should just give in and go with it. I mean a Social Security check could really be helpful some months. Not to mention maybe I could get a new car too.
I got this one - I've named her Claudine.
Why does my hand look like a claw?
