AHHHH! Winter is here!

Have you ever done something so dumb that you really begin to ponder just how many chromosomes truly separate us from chimps? It may not be as many as we really think. Not in my case anyways. The last couple of weeks I have been plagued by some really bad ideas. I mean some real doosies. I mean the kind of things that when you’re working it out in your mind, it seems ingenious, but once you put the well-laid out plan into action it all unravels right before your eyes. Like the time when Heather Locklear and I thought it would be a great idea to throw globs of Vaseline on our bedroom ceiling (it was a popcorn ceiling) or the time in my senior year of high school that I didn’t think my mom would notice that I didn’t come home all night. But as adults we’re supposed have the common sense to talk ourselves out of crazy shenanigans. Aren’t we?

A good example would be last week. I was on my way home from class last Monday. As I was getting on the freeway I realized that my windows were so streaked with dirt and grime that I could barely see out of them. With the freeway exit several miles away and knowing that my windshield cleaner reservoir was empty, I quickly concocted a plan to clean my windows. Obviously, I’ve watched one too many episodes of MacGuyver. “Yeah, that should work”, I thought to myself. So, on the freeway, going 60 miles an hour, I unscrewed the cap of the windshield cleaner and rolled down my window. How it was supposed to work was that I would simply splash some of the windshield cleaner on my window and then would be able to use my wipers to clean them off. No problem, right? WRONG! Clearly, I wasn’t paying attention in science back in the day. When we went over that chapter about objects in motion, I must have been daydreaming about Lionel or the next episode of The Facts of Life. What happened was this…with my window down I put my arm out and began to swing my arm back and forth with the hopes of the solution landing on the window. Being that the car was in motion and going 60 miles per hour, the solution was also in motion, going 60 miles per hour. You can deduce that the solution just sprayed back all over my arm and the side of the car. It only took me a second to realize this and bring my now soaking wet arm back in the window. Laughing hysterically I drove with my still streaked and dirty windshield to the next exit, PARKED the car, got out of the car and poured windshield cleaner onto windshield.

Well, I may have topped the stupidity meter last night. Again it involved my car. (I’m beginning to see a pattern - all the madness focuses around the car) For those of you that are not in Minnesota or have not ventured out of your homes in the last 48 hours, you may not be aware that Mr. Winter has staked claim on this frozen tundra. After a balmy 38 degrees on Sunday the temperature dropped 40 degrees in like 8 hours. For anyone like me that has experienced frozen shut car doors, they know that when warm rain gives way to frigid below zero temps in a matter of hours, it’s a bad thing, a very bad thing. But did I go outside and spray my doors with silicone spray stuff on Sunday? NO. I stayed tucked away in my warm, cozy house, studying Español for Monday’s exam (which I did REALLY well on by the way!!!!). So, when I woke up Monday morning and looked out the window while listening to Johnathan Yuhas warn about the icy temps, I knew immediately that I was going to have a problem with my doors and cursed myself for not being more proactive. Bundled up, I trudged out into the cold and sure enough could not open any of my car doors and could only unlock the driver’s side door. Back into the house I grabbed the WD-40 (I had no clue if it would work but again it sounded good to me) and went back outside. I sprayed WD-40, using the little red tube, all around the driver’s side door. After pulling on the door for a few more minutes I went back in the house. This time I came out with a butter knife and proceeded to easily slide it (thanks, I’m sure, to the lubrication) around the door while pulling on it at the same time. When this didn’t work, my apartment manager walked by and I solicited his help. He hit the door with his fist in a few seemingly prime spots, but the door remained closed. Needing to get to work I vowed to return later that evening. “I’ll be back.”

While at work I called on a trusted purveyor of knowledge and information, the internet. I got several tips from a couple different websites on how to unstick a frozen door. I thought two of the tips especially insightful and tucked them away to try later on that evening. After acing my Español exam, I headed home. Once home I didn’t remove my jacket but grabbed the necessary tools that the website said I needed to get into my car. OK, so I didn’t have the exact tool that they said, but it was in the same tool family so I thought for sure it would work…
The first method called for me to whack my door at several strategically placed points with a rubber mallet. Not having a mallet, I thought (here we go again) that a hammer surely would also do the job. HHHMMM. Not so much. I started at the top of the door and hit it (softly) about 4 times before I realized that I was leaving small dents in the metal around the door. OOPS. And did I mention that I may have broken a little piece of black plastic that surrounds the window. Throwing the hammer on top of the car I moved on to the next sure fire method I got off the internet.
Taking my steaming cup of hot water (I know all of you are shaking your heads NOW. “No she did not put hot water on the door. That is the WORST thing she could possibly do. BLAH.BLAH.BLAH.” I’ve only heard that like a million times in the last 14 hours) I poured the water all around my door. I faintly heard the cracking of ice and poured more water. Not wanting to scrimp on the water I made a mad dash inside, quickly re-filling my cup and returning to rain more H2O on my door, careful to get into every crevice. Saying a little prayer I then tried the door. My little bubble of hope sprung a leak as I pulled on the door handle. It completely deflated when I realized that when it’s like 15 below zero and water freezes pretty much instantaneously, it’s probably not the best idea to pour more water into the already frozen door. My door is now cemented shut! I might as well have taken a blow torch and welded it closed….HMMM…a blow torch. Wonder if I can rent one of those? (It’s just a thought).

Once in the house I decided to call Handy Man Daddy for some advice. After a few minutes of “Oh Jacke. Did you really put water on it?” he lovingly said “You know there’s nothing you can do, right? You’re gonna have to wait until it warms up.” Thanks daddy. Not wanting to leave his little girl totally dejected, he did finally offer up the use of a blow dryer, an extension cord and at least 20 minutes outside with the car. Maybe I’ll try that on Wednesday when the temperature is supposed to reach 16 degrees. Oh and next time I promise I’ll call you first.

And to my dear friends John and Windy I’m glad that I could bring to much joy and laughter to your lives! And John thanks for reminding me to use an outdoor extension cord when I use the blowdryer so that I don’t end up electrocuted and stuck to the side of the car! HAHA!

So, looks like I’ll be depending on MetroTransit until about March due to the fact that I have a glacier down the side of my car. Hey aren’t there still glaciers from the ice age?

My window